Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I’m just trying to think of some kind of Churchillian inspiration for my forthcoming trip to Edinburgh to do my fifth fringe run. 03, 08, 09, 11 were my runs in the past, will 2012 prove to be any different? To be fair last year was the best Edinburgh I’ve done by a street in terms of ticket sales and audience reaction. As a show it wasn’t the best. It was certainly the most populist and had it’s share of belly laughs but the best show I did has to go to the 2008 effort Webster’s Pictionary that had such chequered reviews it’s like they were doing it deliberately.

I’m always indebted to Colin Somerville of the Herald for giving it one star that year and saying it was homophobic and anti Irish (he started the review with ‘oh dear’!!) when I hadn’t even intended to make such cheap shots, it was about people (probably like him) and their idea of queeny ooh get you and diddley fucking dee humour but done in a gadgey Geordie accent. On the same page he gave ’controversial’ Jim Jefferies five stars and said it was ‘out there’, ‘edgy’ and ‘outrageous’. By all means come and be offended again Colin and come and tell me I’m still shit, I dare you. No honestly I’d really like you to come again and give me one star and say that I’m offensive, I’d fuckin love it! No this is an open invitation, do come Colin, I’ll not get aggressive in fact I’ll buy you a drink.

Each to their own and all that, but it’s the nearest I’ve felt to being the Pistols him getting appalled by my stuff. Incidentally the next day he gave a five star review and waxed lyrical about another comedian and picking out a hilarious joke he does about women…….it was my fuckin joke stolen by the said comic. One day I’ll lift the lid on this grubby business believe you me, it’ll be my gift to showbiz.

I’ve had other bollocks reviews by some no marks. Fair play bad reviews are part and parcel. A lot of my bad reviews have come from young people and fair enough, I’m old and fuddy duddied and out of touch with their crazy ways like staying in and watching boxed sets. Keep them coming though young people, once again I’ve no other choice but to take it and twenty five years ago I was cutting steel bars on a band saw in a factory in High Spen so some drama poof telling me that I should stand aside for the new generation of people in T shirts who say ooooooh a lot isn’t too much of a hardship in the grand sheme of things.

The bloke who not only gives me bad reviews but levels whoppers and makey ups about me to try and land me into trouble via his website is Chortly man. I’m afraid though he is not welcome. He’s left his foot in one time too many and has a tabloid poison about him. Well of course he used to work for the Daily Mail let’s not forget that. You’re still barred pal and don’t send anyone else, everyone from the Chortle banner is banned from my shows. If you or anyone working for you turns up, the proceedings will be stopped and not resumed until you or one of your lot leaves. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Everyone else is welcome and welcome to their opinion even if they call me worse than shit. Status Quo are constantly hated by music critics whereas I bet Livin In A Box got bouquets every week from the Melody Maker and the NME..

By the way thanks to the two cunts for ruining the show in Falkirk last night. It was a good night with a good crowd but then these two fuckers began talking, walking round and then making stupid comments about the show which was getting constant laughs elsewhere maybe the best preview yet. In fact the laughter only subsided when they were talking so loudly, it began to upset the rest of the crowd. They then made half hearted comments about the show which were done with malice but with little gusto. The old cunt piped down but then the younger uglier one started sniping. Fuckin hell it was a bit unexpected unpaid overtime on a Monday night, the equivalent of having to clean drains out, a shite job with little reward but it needed to be done. It turns out that the old one out of the two cunts had been a newsreader on STV and was now a constant bevvy merchant. Silly old twat. Maybe he should be a reviewer in Edinburgh, he seemed to have the same ready wit.

Right as you can see the battle lines have been drawn, I’m ready for pretty much anything well apart from a physical fight and a game of football, my arm is still bust thanks to a fall from a slide tackle the other day. But aside from that, coooome oooooooon. Howay the fuckin lads.

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