I’m doing a (Edinburgh) show next year and it’s going to be called ‘There’s no fucking jokes but at least it’s up beat’, I shouted angrily at the audience at the Stand on the last official night of this year’s fringe. To my surprise it got a big laugh. I had done a good spot closing the show despite having to follow Kevin Bridges, Ava Vidal and Kevin Eldon. The audience despite it being 2 in the morning were a damn fine crowd, a sharp contrast to last year where in the Underbelly a riot nearly took place after I politely told some women to pipe down when I was on stage. No this year there was no pressure after popping up on the last night to do The Stand late show and fire the greatest hits at a hungry crowd.

However I do think that they liked this diatribe because they’re sick of hearing this sugary shyte from comedians who almost don’t define the word. Up beat, joire de vive, light, happy disposition, it’s not trying to be something it isn’t and all the other plaudits fuckwits like Steve Bennett of Chortle.com seem to come out with seem to mask a show that has fuck all in the way of jokes, jack shit in the way of tight routines, a vacuum where there should be wit and above all the antithesis of that unfashionable word ‘funny‘. The only ‘funny’ thing I can see is that Daily Mail hack Bennett seems to give favourable reviews to people who’ve spent a fortune advertising their hour long shows on his website, funny that.

Every morning another act that I don’t like seemed to get a five star review, all the fours were merited because of the infectious storytelling and effortless bonhomie of the ‘comic’ on stage. There seemed to be a load of ‘touching’ shows where people were talking about the relationship with their dad (indeed the winner of the pissy Australian lager sponsored thingy was someone who did a relationship with their dad show). I wish people would just talk about this family subject on the South Bank Show in the future when they revive it with Holly Willoughby as it’s new host and not go on about it on stage.

Mark Watson (yes that bloke who sells Cider on the telly) was quoted in saying that some comedians in their forties are very bitter because they feel like they’ve missed the boat. Well Mark some of us are a bit bitter but I wouldn’t say we’ve missed the boat, perhaps the gravy train where you don’t need to buy a ticket just have a touching hour with a lot of talking and nice stories about your families’ foibles and then you get panel shows, spots on Macintyre’s Roadshow and programmes like ‘Oooh Look At Me Kitchen‘. No wonder people in the council estates have long since turned to Roy Chubby Brown, Kevin Bloody Wilson and countless other off colour joke tellers because the Oxbridge producers still think that the middle classes have people of the writing talent of Peter Cook, Rick Mayall and John Cleese to work with when in reality the vast majority of the college comics are piss poor.

Why isn’t Adam Bloom on the telly regularly, what about Roger Monkhouse, Jeff Innocent, Raymond Mearns? Why didn’t Bill Bailey have a regular show every year for the last 10 years. Why wasn’t Sean Lock’s 15 Storeys High re commissioned or at least why wasn’t Sean asked to do more shows on telly such was the brilliance of that show.

The comedians getting their Saturday night slots on network TV now are ridiculously mainstream. We now have a situation of alternative comedy being dead. It’s all mainstream now. It’s such a shame. Some young kids need to blow these self interested bourgeois, trivial tit ends out of the water that they’re sunbathing on in their bullet proof lilos (because they’ve all bought off the journalists) but it might be left to old warriors like me. Alright comedy wankers, I’m coming to get you but if anyone wants to challenge my anger I will argue my case in an 'upbeat' way.