I perversely enjoy playing football and getting kicked in the same way I used to enjoy getting heckled on stage by a mouthy little shit in the crowd. I'm not all that arsed about the heckling now. If someone's being an arsehole I just want him (or her) chucked out end of. When it's this time of year you'll take anything you can in terms of reaction however when you're playing The Stand the bar is raised to a great level and you have to raise your game beyond verbal jousting.

It wasn't great last night but it wasn't dreadful by any stretch. To tell you how good The Stand is already, I'd say that despite it not being the greatest of audiences, it was like a really good night in The Hyena. In fact no I'd say that even the best night in the Hyena doesn't come near to what was a slightly tough one with Christmas parties in at The Stand.

I whacked out my greatest hits with a few newer things thrown in. It was another good varied bill Anvil compering, Simon Buglass's character piece on first, Kate Fox in the middle, Damien Clark who I haven't seen in a while and then me closing. Tonight is the last one of the run and then after three days off, I'm away to Glasgow Stand to do the hogmanay run. This is shaping out to be my favourite three weeks in comedy. Amazing to think that I'm referring to a December.

Anyway speak tomorrow.

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY 'SUPERCOP' IN 'SCOTCH AND WRY' PLAYED BY THE MIGHTY, YET I HEAR HE WAS A CUNT RIKKI FULTON

I presume that one will be in people's stockings come the day. That game will probably involve you getting your fuckin boots on and actually playing and realising that you've been wasting your fuckin time all these years simulating playing it on an X Box or whatever they get played on these days. When you have adults playing these games all night when the wife is out with the girls or lah di dah suburban types getting friends round to play on the Wii and thus closing pubs, it comes as no surprise why people part with good money to go and watch lego haired T shirt wearers in Arenas who notice things (yes that line is admittedly @Tony Law but I don't think he'll mind me using it when describing these people).

Aye don't get me on joke theft now. I'm not angry or anything these days, I'm just pleased that it's fanned the flames of debate on Facebook and stuff, the fact that jokes of mine were nicked and other people have got angry about it. Someone like Martin Mor gets angry and you know it means something. A fine comic, a writer of more than some note and someone who's been in the business a long time puts forward the argument eloquently and people haven't got the tools to argue back. To be fair most were agreeing with him and I got a nice facebook message from the great Glenn Wool about the joke robbery that I've been the victim of. I haven't seen Glenn since Edinburgh and certainly haven't had a drink with him for many years but good on him for getting in touch. I've got enough class not to cut and paste the private message and put it up on this blog but it's nice to get support from one of the heavyweights.

I could go deeper into this subject but I don't want to sound like a stuck record. You could say that it's the highest form of flattery but I think that's pure bollocks. It's pure bollocks because all the people I know that help themselves to my jokes and then put them in their routines aren't needing a re-wire in their house but can't afford it. The ones I can think of are all comfortable in their own way.

Anyway the sun is coming back, I'm having a good run and North East comedy has a good future with character comedy. Nice to see Simon Buglass doing a character called Biscuitz and of course Simon Donald doing his array of funny characters. Then of course there's perhaps the greatest most authentic Geordie stereotype Howka Charvas performed and written by John Raine. Come on young'uns let's have some more. Watch these fellers and then make some of your own up. There's such a rich culture up here that needs to be tapped.

Thanks for going to see the Sid and Roger clips on the Viz blaps, they're very good (I can say that with modesty, I didn't write them!). Also watch out for perhaps more clips soon, an announcement will be on the way, keep reading the blog. Speak tomorrow.

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY ERIC MCMORIDE, THE OTHER FELLER WHO CAME OVER TO MANCHESTER FROM BELFAST WITH GEORGIE BEST AND HAD A GOOD CAREER IN HIS OWN RIGHT BUT DIDN'T SHAG ANY MISS WORLDS AS FAR AS I'M AWARE.

Quote unquote. That's allegedly what I said about Michael McCintyre according to Simon in the afternoon on BBC Radio Newcastle. He said this yesterday during an interview with Anvil Springstien that aired around three o clock and the claim was made at about 12 minutes past three. Anvil said that I just say things to court controversy and that I had a lovely wife and kids. Fuck me I didn't know I was married and as far as I was aware I only had one child an Eight year old daughter, where's the other ones Anvil, has someone kidnapped them?!

Mind you the quote about the big comic sensation that skips and does nice observations is totally untrue. I mean I know it's a laugh and that but I've been accused by my management of saying nasty things about Michael and that's why I don't get stuff on telly and that. I like to keep things like this in house and I thought I could but when DJs say things that I've said, it makes life very difficult. For the record and this is the first and last time I'll tackle the subject, Michael McCintyre is very good at what he does, the same as Michael Barrymore, the same as Russell Howard, the same as Dana and Val Doonican, but here's the crux, IT'S NOT MY SORT OF THING!!! Fuck me is that so wrong?!! I know that things like slagging a comic gets out of hand when it was made up in the first place because people want to have something to gossip about and half the time those said people think the same but haven't got the balls to speak out.

As it happens despite it not being my sort of thing, he's made me laugh before, in fact I have laughed a lot at his stand up but because I pull no punches about what I think about comedy in general and yes I don't like Jimmy Carr's work, I cannot stand Mark Watson and I'm not happy with the Chortly feller who used to write for the Daily Mail because he makes shite up about me and presents it as fact on his website, people decide that I've a fuckin problem with the world and make up things that I've said.

The thing is, I'm not a fan of panel shows. I did them years ago and was never comfortable, I find the format excruciating and the people on them very competitive and they as a rule would gladly stamp all over you to get on. You're at the mercy of the edit fuckin you up as well so I'm glad not to be on them. As far as Mr McCintyre's roadshow goes, I'm not a fan. But unlike other comics, I've never begged to be on it. I've never got to even the screen test level because I'm not going to jump through hoops for a thing that I've no great love for. 

Right rant over. Thanks though Simon, it was good to be misquoted, I felt a bit rock and roll yesterday. It's good when other people tell you about an interview that you didn't even take part in. Oh and don't worry, it hasn't affected my career, that happened years ago when I refused to laugh at Daisy Donovan's jokes on 'Does Doug Know' so it could look good in the edit!! 

Right speak tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for buying tickets for my show on March 2nd at The Journal Tyne Theatre. Keep purchasing them. Details on the home page.

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY CHILDREN'S PROGRAMME 'CHILDREN OF THE STONES' ON ITV, MADE BY HARLECH I BELIEVE. SCARY BLOODY PROGRAMME AND A CHILDREN'S PROGRAMME AT THAT!! 

So there was a problem with no heating last night at The Stand, that's why there was no gig. A damp squib in some ways although it would've been a quiet one I reckon had the gig gone ahead. Not to worry, we go into tonight with 4 days of stand up ahead of us in the heart of Newcastle. I'm knackered, I've done enough Christmas shows now but I'm still chomping at the bit. Last week's Edinburgh shows has renewed my faith in stand up. It was great to get up there and milk gags, to add little extra bits, to put not fully developed ideas straight into the first team. If you're an Edinburgh person or a Glasgow person, go to The Stand, don't bother with anywhere else, they're proper comedy clubs where the onus is on comedy.

Anyway enough arselicking, I promised you, the readers an announcement this week and here it is. I'm on the Channel 4 website in the Viz blaps. These are Viz cartoons, animation and little films made by Alex Collier and written by the Viz team. Messrs Collier, Dury, Thorpe and the like have written them, Alex has drawn them and myself Simon Greenall, Steve Coogan and Sarah Millican have done the voices. I've got a couple of classics to read for like Biffa Bacon and Sid The Sexist and I hope I've doen them some justice. After Walk On The Wild Side and quirky childrens television, I'm now doing this. I've had a canny little voice over career, I'm not ashamed to say I was the voice of DFDS Ferrys many years ago 'Careful you don't enjoy the boat too much' and I aint ashamed, it stopped me from having my house repossessed so fuck you Bill Hicks (more about him next year I can tell you!!).

Here is the link:-

Definitely one of the best ever lines on a sitcom. The programme in question was the seminal (I love using the word seminal) Filthy Rich and Catflap. I don't remember who did that line but it's ironic that nowadays the humorous poof is back on TV with no irony whatsoever in the shape of John Barrowman. Maybe we should bring back It Aint Half Hot Mum. Actually without irony I think it would be great if we brought back It Aint Half Hot Mum, it would be fucked up though by having someone like John Barrowman in it as the humourous poof.

Anyway the gig has been cancelled tonight so I've had two enforced days off. By the way Saturday night was brilliant. This has been perhaps one of the best comedy weeks of my life. Edinburgh Stand is still one of the best gigs on the planet (sorry that does sound wank). After everyone else had had a good time, the crowd were still up for one more clown. I just went like the clappers and crash bang wallopped my way through it. I'd say I had 4 terrific nights out of 6 and the other two were just mediocre. I can live with mediocre, jesus I followed the Mags throughout the 80s. Mediocre was a good result in those days.

Right it's a proper blog tomorrow. I'm trying to watch telly. Rock and roll. Speak tomorrow.

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY SHIT TELLY, STRAP YOURSELVES IN FOLKS THERE'LL BE LOADS OF IT IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

I'm here on my last night in Auld Reekie for my Christmas week run and it's been the bollocks. Last night wasn't out of this world but for black Friday it was grand. I never really got them but neither did anyone else. They were tired, heckley and punch drunk. It was time to go after I did my big swearing routine getting me to half an hour and afterwards we all waited till they'd gone and had a quiet one with the staff and went home (by home I mean flat provided by The Stand). I ended up falling asleep in a rocking chair watching Withnail And I, a film I've never really understood the fuss about and still don't.

If comedy clubs and comedy runs and the comedy company was as good as this all the time, I'd just want to do the circuit all my life, mind you this week I'd say that I was 80% Famous Grouse instead of 80% water. Hardy hardy ha ha, just a joke not a medical fact don't get all Dawkins on me.

Today I went to the butchers, watched Hearts and then bought Christmas presents in that order. It's been a good day, here's to a good gig tonight to round it off. Happy birthday Dad by the way, not that he reads this blog, he wouldn't like my liberal use of the bad language, this from a bloke who got me into swearing to make things funny as well as Monty Python, Tommy Cooper, Peter Cook, The Marx Brothers and many others. So all you fuckers that hate my brand of humour don't blame me, it's nurture not nature and it's my Dad's fault. 83 today and still a Scotsman.

Right I'm off. Gig, drink, bed, drive home, night off. I'm glad I didn't stick in at school!!

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY MAPLIN'S ELECTRONICS SHOPS. IT LOOKS GREAT ON THE OUTSIDE BUT THERE'S FUCK ALL ANYONE REALLY NEEDS ONCE YOU GET IN THERE.

The one thing I dislike about Edinburgh is this bollocks of having to move your car every couple of hours to a different parking space. The amount of money the council rake in is definitely measured by the mob handed traffic wardens diving down streets to try and 'get' people who are invariably trying to get change/don't understand the signs/have misjudged where to place the car due to the white lines being worn and said council hasn't bothered to repaint them. They're like 'Here Come The Girls' from that bloody advert that I can't remember what it is they're advertising.

That Hitchens feller died today or yesterday. I read an old column as a nod to his career and how a lot of people loved his work. It was a one in 2007 about how women weren't funny. It was hard work reading it, it wasn't exactly full of wit, wisdom or belly laughs in it's own right. To be honest I found it fuckin dull. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be funny but the very reveal of the thing wasn't all that ground breaking or amazing. Again maybe this Geordie fuck doesn't understand it and maybe you have to be appalled by his brass neck or something and that's the beauty of being a fine writer but I'm not arsed about reading anything more by him.

Not that I'm arselicking women or anything. But who am I to say what's funny and what isn't? Well I'm a bloke who writes his own blog and despite getting pelters some of the time, I try to be as brutally honest as possible without being rotten for the sake of it. Surely people don't make someone popular through bloody mindedness or dogged support of their own sex. If someone is funny regardless of their sex, the proof of the pudding is how many folk would part with hard earned money to watch their shows on DVD. Sarah Millican has hit the 100,000 DVD sales mark this week and how could anyone possibly argue with that? It's a phenomenal amount in anyone's eyes and even the most cynical person has to hand it to her, even Hitchens, were he still alive.

This week has been good fun in Auld Reekie with Andrew Stanley the Dublin feller who I see every day in the front room of our flat and then at nights at the gig. We did a radio interview today and that was fun guessing what the Tom Waits songs were going to sound like without first hearing them. Anyway maybe it doesn't sound as good in printed format but certainly last night's show was good. Once again they were with me all the way and I took them to a great level. It wasn't quite as good as Wednesday and particularly Tuesday but while lots of comics are questioning their very sanity at this time of year due to Christmas cunts in the crowd, I'm having a great time at The Stand. Sorry to sound sanctimonious but it's the way it is bonny lad.

I've been hearing more stuff about the shit side of this industry but that's all for another day. I'm alive, I'm funny (well to some) and I'm available for kids parties but I won't compromise the cunt stuff. Good luck on 'Black Friday' comedians. Who knows it might be shit tonight but that's what makes it exciting. Howay the lads......and lasses (paraphrased from a great sentence by Jackie Fullerton the commentator from Northern Ireland that Giant Haystacks nearly murdered on live telly).

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY MAL DONAGHY, SENT OFF FOR FUCK ALL AGAINST SPAIN FOR NON IRON IN WORLD CUP 82. WHAT A NIGHT!

FOOTNOTE

I was bored before and I started watching clips of Hitchens on Youtube in documentaries, debates on creationism and other related stuff and it was really good, it seemed like he spoke up for sense rather than towing the party line or repeating the mantra of ideological knackers. I feel a twat now having a bit of a go a few paragraphs above. I'm going to watch more. I might become a posthumous fan. Anyone that pisses on a bully like George Galloway with wit, knowledge and doesn't resort to Galloway's metaphoric mudlark hockling has to be worth listening to. RIP Chris. 

Not the most imaginative of titles today but when you feel great about your job, there's no need to think of anything erudite or profound. That's why fuckwitts never got and still don't get punk, however that's another story that even I don't get and I have loads of spare time! Actually what the fuck am I talking about I don't get a minute, well I do and I don't. Fuck it I think I'll have a nana nap then write a sketch. I do need some pop after sinking too much Scotch last night, no wonder young kids breeze past me on a Monday night at football!

I was going to do a cheery blog yesterday but didn't get a moment after spending time in meetings and seminars and listening to stuff about television viewing habits from a big buxom but ultimately dull marketing lady. Afterwards we got together and did some writing. More on that project soon hopefully. The reason for the cheery blog was because I ripped the fuckin innards out of the gig on Tuesday after having a quiet Monday. Tuesday night at The Stand remember the date 13th of December 2011. I'd say it was one of my best ever gigs. Then quite amazingly last night hit heady heights again. Was it as good as Tuesday? Maybe not but it was close. Lightning strikes twice and all that but maybe it's because The Stand is such a good club.

Either way, I heard second hand about an act that did a paraphrased version of one of my routines on telly. I'm not going to name names because I didn't see it and to be fair it was apparently one line but it's getting rampant these fuckin days man. There's been high profile incidents and I've been the victim of it here and there over the years but I've been stung with it recently which makes me think that it's all fair in love and war to help yourself to people's honed routines in some comic's eyes.

All I can do is write, rehearse, drive, rest, stay fit, write, rehearse and don't piss people off. Ah fuck it I failed at that last one. Mind you I piss people off just by doing escapist non offensive stand up. Another comment of the thick as mince variety on one of my youtube videos (Ashington, Northumberland and Blokes In Pubs) this morning saying that I hadn't put enough research or rehearsal into the routine and cited Brendan Healey as someone who would've done it better. Fuck me that's a bad start to the day! Maybe it was Brendan's agent. I met a daft cunt once with grey hair and humongous Yoko Ono glasses saying that he booked Brendan a lot. He started going on and on about how good Paul Squires was (one of his clients) and I said that Squires was mentioned in the Young Ones once by Rick during a game of 'Boticelli'. Immortality I'd say, not even mentioned in a derogatory way in a programme that was a footnote in comedy history. The useless cunt wasn't even aware of it!! Ha ha I'll take no lessons from the club cunts as to what's fuckin good and what isn't. Not that they'd be listening anyway they'll be playing golf and talking loudly about how they know Roger De Courcey.

Surely I can't get three in a row at the mighty Stand. Mind you never know with these clubs. Rock and roll. Speak tomorrow.

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY SMALL FOOTBALL CLUBS THAT COPY FAMOUS CLUB'S CHANTS AND PUT THEM AND THEIR RIVALS IN THE APPROPRIATE PLACE IN THE SAID SONGS. HILARIOUS. I MEAN THE FAMOUS BLYTH SPARTANS DIDN'T GO TO ROME TO SEE THE POPE DID THEY, I MEAN FOR FUCK'S SAKE! 

 Well I'm physically in that state after getting a whack with an over blown up football from a cannonball effort from one of their attacking players last night. Also the ego is hurt after our comedy football team (I'll let you put your own jokes in there!) got a 4-1 mauling by a useful but not brilliant mid table side. More on that if I can possibly bear it in my 'And In The Sport' column-sorry lads I'll give us all a press style hatchet job, except for messrs Fury and Humphreys who had the good grace to not be there and are thus innocent by non association.

This time of year makes you battered and bruised as a perfomer. I reckon I've got away with it somewhat even though I've had my tough ones but Saturday was a low attention gig in Chester and last night's performance at Edinburgh Stand was one of those silent staring ones. I got a few laughs but too few to call it a good show. I was getting pockets of the room but I couldn't turn it round into anything meaningful, rather like Gary Mason the late boxer who couldn't knock a man down due to his lack of punch frequency or Bill McGarry's Newcastle teams always laboured and pedestrian and not enough dynamism, that and the fact that Kenny Mitchell got a regular game. Maybe it all needs freshsening up? Maybe I haven't got a great deal of charm? That can be your undoing just as much as a paucity of good material.

The three comics that I remember the most on the circuit that were storming it so much, it was obvious they were gonna be huge were Peter Kay, Alan Carr and Michael McCintyre. All of those acts you couldn't follow, they all had people in the room instantly becoming fans, they had a certain magnestism and charm that I feel that I and many others who I respect and really enjoy their act just haven't got. I don't dislike any of them contrary to popular belief and stories made up by people, I've defended them in their absence when someone (normally a shite open spot) is having a go at them and they deserve to be where they are due to the fact they're all funny blokes unlike some others all owa the telly like dogshit.

All those acts do appeal to women as do a few other 'instant sensation' acts. Maybe marketing to women is the way to go? Apart from being 20 years too late, not a mammy's boy, not gay, not a filthy woman and not doing stuff about shopping in Tesco, I think I've a fair chance! The gig was full of women last night by the way. All of them pcychology graduates. Some laughed at some stuff, some roared laughing at some things then held back with others, some just saw it all as some sort of anthropological exercise and this showed by their earnest staring. Maybe it's what they were. Maybe I don't appeal to birds! Ironically I never really slag women off in my set unlike some of the suited Arena set that celebrate women's alleged shallowness. Maybe it's the not mentioning them they don't like. Maybe they're like Celtic fans, they don't like to have the piss ripped out of them but by not mentioning them, they feel that they're not getting the same coverage as their testosterone fuelled rivals. 

I'm in Edinburgh all this week by the way. Even though they're Christmas gigs, you can still purchase tickets if you fancy watching a show. By all means do and come up at the end for a chat, I could do with a lift and if you're a lady I'll buy you a half because you cannot drink as much as men. Speak tomorrow ladies and blokes.

TODAY'S GIG IS SPONSORED BY THE GEMINI MAN. ONLY ONE SERIES.

To the Irish post modern comic? Yes it's not a hot potato in pubs like why are mods so easy to wind up or where do Everton and Sunderland fans get their awards from as The People's Club and the Family Club and how come they both have the awards and have had them for all eternity? Unless Everton's is the IBF and Sunderland's the WBC, I don't know. Please don't write in about that though, I'm very fuckin busy today and am only doing this blog during a mental afternoon because I love it. Well I don't love it, it's become like a class A drug addiction, I need to let off steam and drop caustic soda on a Russell Howard's Good News perfect world, otherwise I'll be going off my head.

I was discussing this with Eva, one of the directors from the Stand and her Mam Jane who I haven't seen in a long while before last night's Assembly show. They were the lego heads of their day the Irish comics, for every good one there was many a glinty eyed nuggett saying 'what is it wit wimmin, der all mental' or 'of course drinkin is a feckin way of loyfe in Oylan'. The good ones have lasted, Dylan Moran is one of the greatest there is period, I can never tire of watching the bloke. I'm so pissed off I missed him at the theatre earlier this year due to a prior engagement.

I once had my coat stolen in Galway. Nowt to do with anything, it's not me saying 'Aye they're not all sweetness and light and craic', it's just that I thought I'd tell you that some cunt stole my coat in Galway once. It was a Sunday as well if you reckon that that's got something to do with anything or nothing?

Last night's gig was more than good. They were on my side from the off. A great crowd and all pretty much new people. There were just over 30 in so it was the usual level but they were a great 30 people. Calumn Cram and John Smith were on in the first half. Both of them had good solid gigs and Anvil Springstien closed. I did a bit of guitar stuff with my newly acquired Yamaha guitar making it's league debut. There'll be more from that on January 1st when the next Assembly takes place.

Anyway speak tomorrow. Don't forget my show on March 2nd next year. Details on the home page, tickets on sale now!

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY WHITBREAD BIG HEAD, HOLD THE TROPHY, THE PINT THAT THINKS IT'S A QUAAAAARRRRTTT. 

I'll let you into a secret, I don't tend to get anything like as many hits on a Saturday as I do on the rest of the week. I was thinking of making Saturday a bit of a lighter one than normal to reflect the lesiurely type day and not like during the week where hopefully I'm the bain of a few people's bosses. Not that it gets to any heavy political level during the week or into the realms of technical jargon or out like that. I just tend to get a bit more angry on a Tuesday for example.

I should be angry today but I'm quite philosophical really. Once again Mark Watson has stolen my joke (according to a tip off text but I'll confirm by looking at BBC iplayer) and done it on Live At The Apollo which went to air last night on the BBC, no doubt watched by millions. It's the owning women one which has already been done by the former Welshman on the lesser watched Jason Manford's Comedy Rocks on ITV. This time however he's done it on a higher brow show on the flagship British TV channel on a Friday night at peak viewing time.

It pisses you off, but ultimately I can do nothing about it anymore. Sadly the intellectual, New Stateseman writing, Oxford graduate that helps himself to jokes written by a former factory machine operator is all too powerful in the industry. It seems that someone's decided that he's got a great future in television despite his own shows not rating and thus being dropped and him having quite sluggish sales in theatres throughout the land despite getting the same if not more exposure than messrs Bishop, Millican and Bridges, a trio of comics that, despite what anyone thinks of them, can back up their TV exposure by being popular with the public at large.

Anyway enough talk of the bloke who allegedly likes football but calls football fans 'gobby morons'. Last night's gig was not too bad at all. I'd say we got away with it, no I'd say we more than got away with it, it was a fine away win. Dan Nightingale who's fast becoming my favourite circuit comedian right now was once again compering. Dave Longley was on first and did a steady job but as an audience they weren't really playing. It was quite the opposite of a Christmas gig, it's almost like they needed livening up.

The second half though was a different tale. It felt like they'd all been given a pint and whisky chaser and they seemed to enjoy their life all of a sudden. Dan was ripping it with proper funny stuff. I'd say he's got the funniest bones I've seen since Lee Mack and there's no higher praise than that to be compared with the untouchable Lee. He brought me on and to my surprise they were still going with my schtick. I thought they'd fall away but they kept on. I was running out of steam at the end a bit but I'd put so much into the laugh bank with Nightingale's help that it was a great victory against a crowd that looked a bit formidable to break at the start of the night.

If tonight is a bit bollocks and there's every chance it might be, we've done some good sterling work this week and one fuck up wouldn't matter too much. I'll give it my best but with 300 booked it might be a tough one.

Right enjoy your Saturday citizens. I'm away to watch Jeff Stelling. Howay the lads (and that includes the heed).

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY BONNIE LANGFORD PLAYING VIOLET ELIZABETH ON JUST WILLIAM IN THE 70s. PROBABLY THE NEAREST THING SHE GOT TO DOING SHAKESPEARE.

 I know, I've no idea where it is either but apparently it does exist in the eyes of people from Wearside, maybe it's in the same place as these cities the size of Bristol that are having to be built to cope with all the immigrants . Anyway Newcastle Airport has announced big expansion plans, 100 new jobs (I know 100 I don't know why people are complaining Mr Cameron) and new destinations for the lucky people of the North East to go to like Florence and a few other places that I've forgotten. Front page news today in The Chronicle, apparently everything's fuckin great for the North East now that some people from Jesmond and Whickham can now fly direct to the Dordoignes.

Meanwhile Bleach Green estate in Blaydon where my Grandma and Granda lived for 50 odd years (more affectionately known as The Bronx) is all getting pulled down very soon. A whole load of people with nowhere to go once again and no doubt prime land that the developers will build on when the going gets good. Never mind cities the size of Bristol, we have empty properties in this country of the population of Leeds, a fuckin outrage.

Right I'm warmed up now. I'm in the house at the moment but I am heading to Harper Adams University tonight to play to a load of Agriculture students hurrah! Hopefully I might get something from the gig even if it's one line but I suspect it might just be memory of Talk Sport, Five Live and whatever talking book I get out today. This week I'm in Chester doing The Laugh Inn. Should be playable I hope. I'm finding that peversely Christmas gigs aren't too bad at times. When it's work's groups they're not as pathetic as stags and hens who are very much the epitomy of everything that's wrong with modern Britain. After Chester I have a week in Edinburgh Stand then a week in Newcastle Stand and then it's Christmas. After that it's a hogmanay week in Glasgow.

Right then I'm off, I've shit to do. RIP Socrates, years before his time, looking like a footballer of today with his long gangly body. Brazil 82 you were fantastic, thanks for the memories.

TODAY'S BLOG IS SPONSORED BY RON ELY AND HIS PORTRAYAL OF TARZAN IN THE 1960s.