No gigs last night but two things, one from my obsession in life and one from my trade has completely flummoxed me.

The obsession is of course football and a terrific result last night at Stamford Bridge. To get 4 at a club like Chelsea is good at any time. To get 4 while Cheslki are in this form with this array of talented mercenaries is incredible. We could go far in this cup. I'm not saying any more than that because I've had my confidence shattered many time before, you get used to it when you're black and white.

On to my trade and whilst deleivering the flyers for next year's show at the Tyne, I got chatting to Gemma the box office manager. We were talking about how it would be good to flyer the Sarah Millican crowd next February when she does her show at The Tyne. She did have one night in and I had heard that a second night got added. Talking to Gemma yesterday and it turns out a third night has been put in to cope with demand. It's amazing that that's three and a half thousand people wanting to buy tickets to see someone who just a few years ago was in the Chilli talking about her divorce to a couple of dozen two pound payers.

I'm not here to bash someone for the sake of it just because she has largely the same accent as me, certainly not someone who I have had as a work colleague down at the BBC and someone who (as far as I'm aware) hasn't done anything negative or shitty to me in her quest to get to the top.

No the only problem I have is what she and the circuit has become. I must admit I haven't seen much of her in recent times, the last time we worked together in a stand up sense was at a benefit night in South Shields about a year and a half ago but what she is now is a boring establishment comedian. Another one on Mock The Week with a script written for them, another one who dances to Michael MaCintyre's tune. Rather like Kevin Bridges, she is the antithesis of punk, the enemy of the rebel. Instead of sticking one on the establishment, she's part of it.

Alright everyone knows Jongleurs was a load of shite and we all did Jongleurs. This was of course to pay the bills. I have a kid and a house and I must provide. But MaCintyre's is just Jongleurs on the telly, it's ironic that Open Mike is Off The Kerb's television arm and Off The Kerb are taking Jongleurs to court over Jongleurs using pictures of their acts to publicicse a future Jongleurs club in Bournemouth. They are insinuating that their acts wouldn't be seen dead in a Mickey Mouse club like Jongleurs. Mickey Mouse is a phrase that gets bandied about in the OTK office quite a lot when describing rookie, fledgling operations that they feel they're above. Im afraid though Michael MaCintyre's comedy roadshow is Mickey Mouse, Mock The Week and all the new panel shows are Mickey Mouse and all the acts on there that don't say anything really controversial or contentious are Mickey Mouse.

Well done Sarah for selling so many tickets. It's a tribute to your bravery to get up in the Chilli in 2005 and talk about your divorce to a bunch of strangers. Definitely a maverick and a one in the face to middle class supercillious female comics with no jokes. But the people clamouring for tickets now are the people who see someone on telly and get carried along by the whole fame game, I never thought this comedy thing would get so trendy and grotesque and yet at the same time very Mickey Mouse, yet that's what it's become, I never saw this coming and I never thought I'd see a load of non groundbreaking average comics selling theatres out for days on end. Despite my delight with the mags last night, that's more astounding than getting four goals at Stamford Bridge.

Last night at the aptly named Dog and Parrot I repeated the stuff from the night before in Edinburgh to see if this new shit really was funny. It wasn't quite as good an audience, probably due to the fact that there was only about 15 people in the room but there was laughter in largely the same places so it gives me something to work off.

It was nice to bump into the Greek feller who runs the Three Tuns gig on a Sunday in Gateshead and also Simon Buglass who runs a night at The British Legion in Jesmond. It's amazing to think that when I started, the idea of putting post modern stand up comedy on in pubs was ridiculous when stuff like strippers, club comics, fashion shows, race nights, darts matches, 18th birthdays and a whole load of other crap took precedence. Nowadays it's a fix to to try and and solve the headache of an empty room on a Tuesday. 

I still think that the night we ran in the Chilli 5-6 years ago definitely helped the comedy scene in Newcastle to an epidemical level. Whether looking back that was a good thing or a bad thing is another matter for a variety of reasons but nevertheless, the selfless work me and it has to be said John Scott would put in to make that place work has lifted the Newcastle comedy scene from a humble backwater to a breeding ground for provincial acts that are on the latest Open Mike offering on telly.

The thing is the funniest people at the Chilli never got anywhere. Les Paul Marshall, the bloke who had a nervous breakdown on stage, the Scottish junior doctor who did his own version of Redemption Songs about his dad's merchant banking business, the Australian woman who did jokes about cot death and many others, they are probably telling people they have had a go at stand up whereas others are now full time and aren't as riotously funny. 

Never mind the world isn't fair and it's not my place to whinge about injustices but it's an idea to go to these gigs, you will see the stars of tomorrow but you also will see perhaps the funniest performances ever from people you'll never see or hear of again. Now that's punk. 

The first blow has definitely been struck on my mission to do the greatest 90 minutes worth of stand up there is by the middle of next year. I'm going to be honest in my assesment and although it was chaotic and I had to refer to the notes a lot of the time, I certainly got the new stuff out to a great audience at The Stand on a Monday night. Davey See was the compere and there was a chap from London headlining who's name escapes me but myself and Ben Traynor (after driving like Ayrton Senna due to the fact we were stuck behind a bloody Debenhams wagon for miles through North Northumberland) raced up to do the gig complete with our five a side football gear on, indeed Ben was replendant in his black and white top, shorts, socks and shinpads in the Stand, I had the decency to change clothes.

Complete with the Purple notebook, I went through the new ideas, some worked great, some average but none bombed. It's the very beginning of a rocky road but at least we're on that road now. God I'm sounding like a prick!!

Anyway I have a busy weekend ahead, Barton Marina in Staffordshire on Thursday and Cardiff Glee on Friday and Saturday as well as Newport Riverfront Theatre on Friday, I'm having a nice start to the week, watch some bastard spoil it!!

By the way, it seems weird saying well done to a virtual thing but anyway well done to the Ashington, Northumberland and blokes in pubs routine which has now outdone all the other routines I put up on youtube from my Live Theatre show in 2003 and is in a what would seem unassailable lead. It seems people must want to see material about weird mining towns in the last county in England. Speak tomorrow hopefully. 

 During the hysteria of Popey's visit, I must tell you about my own faith which involves the faith of comedy audiences and the fact that despite the anti christ suit wearing beugiouse I think people want to see the funny from the funny people not weak observations from the photocopy sales people lookalikes.

Last night I was at The Kingsway Hall on Great Queen Street in central London. They were a great intellegent discerning crowd. I was on a bill with Bob Mills and Paul Thorne ie a proper comedy bill. I'm glad a decent crowd got to see 3 good comics. The thing is, they weren't a bunch of comedy snobs, they weren't a bunch of rah rah right ons or a load of stags, hens or office parties, just a cross section of people wanting to listen to funny stuff, my faith is restored. After last week in Sunderland and Gateshead and the week before in Sheffield I am now reinvigorated by audiences. We're now away from the stag and hen season and hopefully the Jongleurs model is now redundant. They were next door in Sway bar last night (the Jongleurs lot) they've just took over the gig and it looked fucking awful, loads of pricks being loud and pissed and kumf kumf music before the show starts (do they ever learn). I'm so glad I was earning less money by doing a proper show in the building down the road. No doubt there would've been material about blow jobs, Kerry Katona and Big Brother which some journalists would have a wank about but to be honest decent audiences would wince at.

Anyway do watch Walk On The Wild Side today (6pm BBC1) and have a great Saturday citizens, whoever you support. Just ignore the pope, the Sunderland match and Paddy Kielty's radio show and you'll have a great day.

It's definitely the morons, whether they be the morons in Edinburgh at the fringe, the moron arts journalist, the morons that slag me off on internet forums or just the morons in general that all tend to be over 18 but under 35, they've definitely inspired me. Of course anyone that knows their maths knows full well that two negatives added together make a positive, well their negativity about me that's rubbed off on to my negativity toward them has got me determined to get a great negative show together that will hopefully do positive things in the future.

I'm talking a bit ridiculously but it all makes sense when I tell the loyal readers of this blog that I'm definitely doing an Edinburgh show next year and it has to be the wankers that are going to get it. All the wankers in this country that ruin it and it's not a right or a left leaning attitude it's just a show where I'm going to stick it to the boring beaugoise that have fucked up a generation.

The news I can tell you is that I'm on at Edinburgh Stand next Monday (the 20th) trying out new stuff on my first step towards getting this show written. Anyone reading this from the Edinburgh area why don't you get yourself down to The Stand on York Place on Monday night and any constructive criticism would be taken on the chin. Let's face it you can't be any stupider than that arts website prick that reviewed me recently. More news will follow. Speak soon citizens

After my surprisingly popular rant ten days ago I've decided to calm down and take stock of what's going on around me in the comedy scene whilst getting my head together for a new hour next year. I need to find more than an hour although some of the material will cross over from my big local show at The Tyne Theatre on March 4th to the Edinburgh run I'll be doing next August, however 90 minutes of stuff I must now write which is quite a feat.

Sometimes I don't need to do anything, just do my act to paying and in the main laughing punters and the sniping, the dislike, the belittlement seems to follow. Journalists don't like me I'm just going to have to deal with that. The latest small minded review I have had the misfortune to read comes from an online North East arts review site. The 'journalist'  said that although some of the stuff was 'polished' he cited that I was a comedian clearly for the older generation. He also said that he was lost watching me in a sea of Thatcherism, factories and old school geordie humour. By thatcherism I presume he meant Thatcher who I can't even ever remember mentioning on stage to be quite honest. Thatcherism was the name given to a certain type of entrepreneurship. If you look at the encyclopedic definition it's very similar to Reaganomics.

Sadly this young reviewer by starting a website devoted to reviewing comics and inviting that space to be littered with adverts so as to give him a legitimate sponsorship (this being on the proviso of him getting a lot of hits which is enhanced by trying to get me and I presume others that he's slagged off to be his friends) is very much an indulgence in the aforementioned thatcherism that he apparently tires of hearing from other people.

20 year olds who review comedy like the aformentioned obviously have no problem with Alan Sugar and the Dragon's Den types clogging up the digital airwaves doing shows celebrating thatcherism (basically running small businesses by flogging a pile of shit that nobody needs and getting away with it) at the licence payer's ie taxpayer's expense.

You probably got that wrong in your review but reading it you don't appear to be as well read as this ex factory hand so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Can I just say though that there's nothing vaguely 'Thatcherite' about my act.

The thing is I might be 40 there's nothing I can do about that but I was doing alternative comedy in pubs in and around Newcastle in the 90s when it was as popular as a dose of fucking clap. You genuinely feared for your safety. I was trying to do something the audience didn't want, I was trying surreal, dangerous and dark stuff long before it was trendy. I don't know what you mean by old school geordie humour either, do you mean Bobby Thompson? a bloke who did observations about his life in a sink estate or what about his surreal set where he was meeting with Hitler, Chamberlain and the King in the club, the chip shop and Buckingham Palace. I genuinely don't know what you mean. I suspect sir, you're a bit of a prick with little to no intellect and not a great knowledge of comedy history but hey, that's just my opinion, I'm entitled to my opinion on my website as you are of yours. 

You are very welcome to write what you want about me, I do understand that. I'ts a privelege that you young people enjoy as a result of old people fighting a war, the 1960s generation for demanding rights for all walks of life and the punk generation fighting for a right to be independently offensive. If according to you I do indulge in old school geordie humour, well I'm afraid that's the way it is son. I was a factory worker, I speak with a geordie accent, it might be old fashioned but it's the way I am and at least I'm aware what Thatcherism was as a concept not getting it wrong and inadvertantly living it out whilst slagging comedians for being for the older generation.

The one thing I object to though son is you trying to be my 'friend' on facebook. You're quite happy to call me worse than shit but then you've got the brass neck to try and get me to be another 'friend' in order for you to get to a magic number whereby you might secure some sponsorship that'll make you a 'professional', well sorry mate, stick it up your fucking arse, you'll get no help from me. Actually that last comment sounded a bit Thatcherite.

So come on comedy reviewer, you're stuff's a bit hack, stop being a moaning minnie about decent comedians and go out on your bike and get a proper job. 

A big thank you, not only to the increased readership of this blog in general but the surprising positive vibes in person and as comments on line for the previous admittedly bile ridden piece what was mainstream pish part 2.

Edinburgh does bring out the worst in comics and I reckon my easy oozy attitude towards the comedy circuit over the years has had something to do with me not attending the ridiculous arts fringe festival for years on end and thus not getting angry by the shite that has been celebrated by the gliterrati whilst other stuff gets ignored. I've had a bit of time to calm down and take stock of the self congratulatory jolly up for the psuedo arty pricks this year and managed to put it all into a bit of perspective, this perspective being that in 5 years time It'll be a different mainstream bunch of comics on the What's My Line type shows and the faux angry panel shows as well as the new Stand Up Comedy For The Week Late Night Tonight Up To The Minute Night For The Week shows on Channel 4 where they pretend it's all edgy dark stuff when really it's jokes about Jordan, Peter Andre and Frank Lampard.

I've done a weekend in Sheffield since the autumn season started then a pub in Mosborough in Sheffield and they've all been great nights so there is hope, I think the people don't like mainstream shite but they're shouted down by nobs in marketing who shout them down and then they get what they're given. I'm in Kidderminster tonight. Time to try out new stuff and start the antidote to Mainstream Pish. Thanks again everyone for reading.

I'm going into this with an open mind, I promise you I am. After being in Wales and in Bristol at the weekend and doing a Sunday night at a village in the West Midlands called Barford, I embark on Edinburgh tomorrow to try and watch as many acts as I can in 12 hours. I'm going to see Tony Law my old mate from the stand up days and of course we were sparring partners on Does Doug Know in the early noughties (it seems like a fucking lifetime ago now!), after that I'll go where the mood takes me. I'd like to see Addy Van Der Borgh however whoever else I see will depend on what mood I'm in (or how hard it rains in that unforgiving terrain).

Reading the reviews has made me feel a bit pissed off. Addy gets a pasting and apparently Tony does as well whereas fucknuts are being praised to the hilt, previous years this sort of talk could have made me look like a bitter old soak saying that but this year with me not being up there I reckon I can say what I like. The reviewers seem to be obsessed with people being nice and upbeat. The world is on it's arse and yet cutting edge stand up comedians are being praised for being of a happy disposition talking about when they were little and little family foibles. To be honest I could listen to somebody telling me this in a house at new year, I've no need to listen to some priveleged twat telling me this in a small room just off the Royal Mile. Write some jokes you con merchants.

Having said that I'm going with an open mind, come on someone, make me feel good about stand up again.

After a run of summer madness playing to morons, it was a pleasure to be in the wonderful city of Sheffield doing two fantastic shows. First up was at the Sheffield City Hall supporting the Everly Pregnant Brothers, a wonderful ukelele creation with the frontman being Toby Foster my old mate from stand up, Men At Work at the Store and of course he was Les the drummer in Pheonix Nights. He's a legend in the South Yorkshire area and there was a brilliant crowd in last night for the show. I just did a 15 minute spot and then had to hot foot it across town.

The Hunters Bar area is where the long running Little Last Laugh is situated in the Lescar pub on Sharrow Vale Road. It's a legendary place, a place where I first played in about 1994, I think I did the Q joke there (shows how long ago it was!). Last night although thin on the ground was another great night. I opened and Dougie Dunlop closed. The crowd were listening, they were up for a laugh and they were totally civilised. What a pleasant change in this season!

It's off to Gloucester Town Hall tomorrow and then a really busy week starts. I wonder if anyone wants to comit suicide in Edinburgh yet?!

While the comedy world is waiting with baited breath for the next 'Fringe Sensation' and while the performers themselves that are up there are gearing themselves up for a month of shall we say ups and downs, I am happy to be 100 miles South of the greatest comedy festival, going out on my nights off for meals or down the pub to drink a few real ales. Even taking my aggresive dog for a walk or getting kicked whilst playing football is infinitely better than being told you are about as funny as leukemia by some wet arsed undergraduate writing in the arts section of a broadsheet newspaper.

I'm not aparty to who's trendy at the minute and I haven't seen any of the previews but I reckon Justin Moorhouse is in with a chance of at least a nomination, it's definitely his time. Maybe Alun Cochrane is going to step up to the big plate this year or perhaps that Andrew Lawrence bloke will get another nod. Sarah Millican is definitely still in vogue and this will be one of her big years, also Tom Wrigglesworth has enough support behind him from last year's run to mount a challenge for honours. Andi Osho will surely have a good one because of the telly angle as will Ava Vidal and then of course there's the 'phenomenon' of Jack Whitehall. He's actually ok as a stand up, in fact he's quite good but he's been pushed through so many doors he's like a special delivery parcel that should be marked 'Warning do not Expose any of the fragile, vulnerable parts until very famous' I think we'll not see much more of Jack as I think films and stuff will beckon before too long.

The most interesting side to it for me is the comics on their way down. The ones who were pushed well beyond their limits a few years ago but who couldn't run with the ball because they simply weren't good enough. There's a few of that lot drinking in the last chance saloon this year and four fifths of them will not do any more tours because people won't buy tickets. We all have our spin of the dice, our crack of the whip and Edinburgh decides who is in and who is out. There's someone involved in telly who seems to decide who's in or out these days and he won't tolerate any bloke who doesn't wear a fucking suit. The trouble is loads of acts then decide to get their hair cut and buy a suit just to please this cartoon svengali. As soon as comics decide to write great jokes rather than make career decisions based on quality of clothes and TV programme choice with enough hack writers, we might have a great circuit instead of daft twats passing off Robbie rejoining Take That as 'edgy', 'dark' material.

Anyway rant over, good luck everyone, if you'll excuse me I'm going to take the dog out. 

Apart from doing the odd appearance at a new material night in the next few months, there will be a few secret gigs in the GW tradition this coming Autumn. I will be doing the Irish festival come October in Newcastle, a date hasn't been confirmed yet but watch this space, I'll let readers of the blog know before everyone else.

Also there'll be a busy christmas, I reckon I'll be doing a bit of stuff between Christmas and New Year (every night hopefully), once again it's the same protocol, I'll mention it on these pages first.

Playing football tonight with the other members of the NE comedy community, a win would be very welcome.

Finally RIP to Alex Higgins who was buried today in Belfast. I met him years ago in a hotel in Manchester where I was gigging and he was living at the time. He nearly started fighting with the compere who was cheeky to him. I wish you'd whacked him Alex, he deserved everything he almost got. Afterwards when he heard my accent, he started talking to me about Jackie Milburn (Alex was a Linfield fan and JET played for Linfield as player manager later in his carreer). A great moment and a great night. I hope you're playing Fred Davies in heaven, I hope Len Ganley is refereeing (that's presuming he's dead) and I hope Ted Lowe is commentating. Where are the Alex Higgins' of today?!

The last two nights have thrown up three gigs in two different venues and I have definitely come to the conclusion (through the pattern of the last couple of years partcularly) that if I had the money, I wouldn't do circuit gigs in the summer.

In the old days you would hold your breath in December. The rooms were full of Christmas parties, large groups of at best apathetic punters with party hats on, sometimes abusive but generally good humoured and oblivious to you and not pissed off that a comedian was on in the background of their 'talking'.

Now however we all have to put up with the 'Stag and Hen' season which tends to start at the end of April and tends to run beyond the summer and into September. This means that now  the majority of the year, the gigs are no fun at all, just riot control and doing your most base level lowest common denominator material at a forttissimo level. Normally these 'people' just talk throughout your act, shout that you're shit or tell you afterwards that they find you offensive whilst wearing a t shirt with Susie Slapper printed on it.

This scenario occoured on Friday at Bristol Jesters, it wasn't awful but it was bad enough. On Saturday at The Komedia in Bath it was surprisingly bad. As I left I felt like if I saw another set of women with deelyboppers I wouldn't be responsable for my actions. To my pleasant surprise though, I walked into Jesters Bristol to close the show and to my surprise there was no fancy dress in sight! It was mainly men but the women were in couples or in large mixed sex groups. Everyone listened, pretty much everyone laughed (apart from one funeral faced twat in the front row) and a good time was had. Comedy clubs without party pricks are the best audiences around. Afterwards me, John Robins and Michael Legge went to the pub, it was opened late and a lot of real ale was sunk. One out of three but at least the one good one was a great one. Well done Bristol people, you dressed normally and laughed at jokes.

I can see storm clouds gathering over the comedy circuit and the whole stag and hen nonsense will have a big say in it's future. Roll on the Autumn.