This is the page where I pass on my vast experience of eating in the most unlikely surroundings and areas. To paraphrase Neil Young, I've been to Colliers Wood I've been to Scotswood and I've always had to have a stomach of stone.

Dont worry, these places aren't the Ivy or anything like that, just the eaters I've come across over the years that are worth going to. By all means ring me with some more recommendations.

PIE MINISTER

See what they've done with their clever use of words, underneath Pie Minister they've put manifesto as well!! Well I like stuff like that, the greatest comedian on the circuit Noel James is a pun-meister and if it's good enough for Noel, it's good enough for the studenty types who run this establishment in the run down Stoke's Croft area of Bristol. In here you just see pies!! They almost leap at you as you walk through the front door, they're behind the see through fibre glass all packed in like they were pet pythons in a dodgy pet shop in the 1950s. The cafe itself isn't that remarkable but who cares about the ambience when you're having a pie fest. On their blurb they do say that the first pieminister pie was born in a basement flat in Bristol in 2003. They actually refer to that pie as a he (in that case he must be steak and kindney or something gadgy-ish like that), I hope they tell you what social strata the pie belongs to as well. Well I'm sure that pie is now at pie school, with his pie mates swinging his pie school bag round his head and spitting on old men out of the pie bus window! On the back of their publicity they do tell you all the awards they've picked up over their short existence. These include accolades  at The Great Taste Awards, Taste of the West Awards the Evening post Business of the month. They use local suppliers, free range eggs and they don't use hydrogenated fats. And they do regard themselves as Pie 'experts' which is not as good as enviromental experts but better than fucking fashion experts. Do go along but watch what you're doing in the Stokes Croft area, it's not exactly Balamory or 64 Zoo Lane

PMHQ

24 Stoke's Croft

Bristol

BS1 3PR Telephone: 0117 942 3300

www.pieminister.co.uk

WONGS

Once again this establishment hails from the slightly hatstand city of Bristol. I wouldn't be surprised if these weird bastards were the ones who'd inherit the Earth instead of the meek and even then they probably wouldn't be that bothered, such is their strange easy oozy nature.

This place as you will have gathered is an upmarket Chinese restaurant just round the corner from The Old Vic theatre. I went in a pub just before this and had to wait literally 10 minutes to be served even though there was hardly anyone in. Thankfully the chinese had no such problems. It was one of them 'meals for 7' (as there was 7 of us) and we dug in to all their meat and fried vegetable concoctions. It's always fun having those types of chinese meals as everyone comments on the fayre as it is being dished up and dining with 6 other comics makes for great fun anyway as all insundry in the comedy business gets a good slagging off and everyone feels better for it. The one criticism I would say is that they did get a bit upset when we hung our coats up and had the temerity to just get them back off the rail when we were about to leave. It didn't sit right with their cloakroom system where we were to get our garments back after their coat hook number had tallied up with the identical raffle ticket on our person. I'm not a number I'm a free man ( copyright Patrick Mcgoohan circa 1967). Never mind though, maybe they just didn't want people's coats to go missing. Do go if you're in Bristol though and take in some nonsense at The Old Vic afterwards (maybe a 6 week Little Britain run as that's all that seems to be on in the theatre these days) By the way it's definitely called Wongs, that's not be being casually racist!

Wongs

12 Denmark Street

Bristol

Telephone: 0117 927 7882

MANDARIN GARDEN

We are unfortunately talking about a really horrible part of Essex (yes I know it's got some stiff competition) here. Grays is one of those forgotten graveyard towns east of London. Apparently Russell Brand is from here and it does hold up to that theory that some of the most interesting people come from crappy places like this. Anyway enough post code bitching, here is a nice Chinese buffet, very reasonably priced with a nice line in soups as well as decent main courses too. Eat as much as you like normally means that in Chinese restaurants unlike other places so well done the Chinese!! This place is situated in their main street(!) and is very clean and the staff are friendly. Take a deep breath when you enter Grays but do visit The Mandarin Garden, it's a good place.

Mandarin Garden

18 High Street

Grays

Essex

RM17 6LU

STIBBINGTON DINER

This I feel is a good place to start as it's a good no nonsense transport cafe on the A1 heading south near Peterborough. If you like your Egg and chips, your mince and dumplings and your cake and custard this is the place for you. Don't expect a veggie option or crepes and capers and the like, just expect for this good old fashioned stodge to fill a hole for a few hours. There is plenty of parking as is the norm for a transport cafe and when you go in there do expect to be transported back to about 1974 judging by the plight of some of the clientele. Everybody just seems to be transfixed by The Weakest Link whilst eating their carbohydrate and chips broken by the occasional cries of NUMBER 74!! Do go and make notes.

STIBBINGTON DINER

2 OLD GREAT NORTH ROAD

STIBBINGTON

PE8 6LR       Tel: 01780 782 891 (you don't need to book)

TARANTINO

This is a snazzy Italian place in Hornchurch in Essex (admittedly not everyone's favourite part of the world) right next to the multi storey car park. I didn't know that Hornchurch had an italian quarter but these people were genuinely Latin judging by their broken English. The young woman who served me had more of an Eastenders accent but still had that Eyetie look about her (what the fuck am I talking about!). Anyway, the soup was fantastic and the main meal was of that high standard that makes you realise that a lot of other Italian places are very poor by comparison. Do go, its a nice place.

TARANTINO

51 HIGH STREET

HORNCHURCH

ESSEX

RM 11 1TP

THAI CONCEPT

Don't be put off by the name, this is not one of those places frequented by the cast of Coupling or a bunch of people from Hewlett Packard on a christmas jolly, well actually it probably is but it isn't on a Wednesday in November which is exactly when I went. The waiter was very 'Hello Sailor' but very efficient and so was the other waiter who looked like he did martial arts (a sort of version of good cop bad cop I suppose). As far as the food was concerned, I had the soup which was one of those great Thai soups,coconutty, milky but full of stingingly strong aftertaste flavours. Afterwards I had the fishcakes whch of course were Thai fishcakes full of flavour (not the big cylindrical rocks calling themselves fish cakes you got in chip shops in the 70s, the sort of things you could dowse in petrol and throw at the police) and garnished with lots of salad.

This particular resturant was in Barnet which is in another part of the world I'm not so keen on (Hertfordshire) but Barnet itself is not so bad with a lot of good eateries, the advantage of this place is it's next to the pictures (an Odeon along the street) and you can eat before the film starts or whatever you want to do it's up to you.

THAI CONCEPT RESTAURANT

4-5 WESTERN PARADE

GREAT NORTH ROAD

BARNET

HERTFORDSHIRE

EN5 1AD

(nearest tube station, High Barnet)

Telephone:- 0208 441 4003

www.thaiconcept.co.uk

MR ALI's EXCLUSIVE TANDOORI RESTAURANT

Yes I know it sounds like the name of a band on John Peel's show but it is one of the best Indians I think I've had the pleasure of visiting. The fact that Mr. Ali has put his name to it to such an nth degree and the fact that it's exclusive, yes they wouldn't just let any bugger in there, adds a risible value to the cullinary experience. Situated on the way out of the famous city where people puffily threaded cotton on to machines while the rest of the north were digging coal, building ships and making metals, it makes for a nice stop off on the way out when the traffic is a little busy a tea time.

The soup (Mullagatawny) once again was the clincher-spicy, fresh and hot,while the main course was strong, tasty and chickeny (that's because it was chicken that was being eaten).

The great advantage of this place is that it's open all day except Mondays (where the fuck do Indian and Chinese people go on a Monday!) and it's easy to park outside and has the full range of top Indian top ten hits to enjoy whilst waiting for your meal.

MR. ALI'S EXLUSIVE TANDOORI RESTAURANT

293 MIDDLETON ROAD

PRESTWICH

MANCHESTER

M8 6LY

TELEPHONE:- 0161 795 6124

BAGEL MANIA

Yes I must admit, I've never been in a state of mania over a bagel either but if you want a bit breakfast on Sauchiehall street in Glasgow (Sausage Roll street the locals call it and who would argue with those mad bastards!) then this is the place. All types of bagels and huge amounts of fillings and of course donuts, muffins, fresh soup and breakfasts as well as a plentiful selection of coffee, smoothies, hot chocolates and soft drinks, this clean friendly Glasgow food carry out definitely makes my list. Decent prices as well for a city centre and it is one of them places where you can eat on the premesis without paying extra for the chair and the granite work top to eat your food off. If your in the city of sin and vice where the people are nice make a trip to Bagel Mania.

BAGEL MANIA

338 SAUCHIEHALL STREET

GLASGOW

G2 3JD

Telephone: 0141 332 7358

NEW CHINA TOWN

Maidstone of course isn't renowned for it's chinatown area but there you have it, I've eaten in the New China Town in Maidstone and believe it or not, it's not bad. Situated in Union Street across the road from Up The Creek Maidstone (probably the worst comedy club I've ever had the misfortune to play) this take away with a few tables (they can get away with calling them restaurants down south for some reason) serves up good food for menial prices. Quite funny that they offer Hors D'Oeuvres which even I know isn't a chinese thing but let's not nit pick. Free local home delivery for anyone unfortunate enough to live in Maidstone and they do do a lunch menu every day as well including Mondays (it must just be northern chinese who go AWOL on a Monday). Do go if only for the 'Curry Puffs', (if I was Benny Hill I could have done a great joke there).

 NEW CHINA TOWN

25 UNION STREET

MAIDSTONE

KENT

ME14 1EB

BAKE AND BITE

With a tag line on their flyers reading, "Hungry?, come and see us for a bite" you know you're not dealing with anything at the Egon Ronay end of things, but then again who gives a fuck what Egon Ronay thinks, he sounds like a hopeful Man. City signing from 1995 that no one (even the scout) has seen play.

This place however was surprisingly good, admittedly it was very pastry based but when you're treated to Peppered Steak Bake and Chicken Tikka Masala Bake then it's going to be a bit different to the usual Pasty fest in these places. A bacon bap for £1.79 may seem a little steep to a northerner but you actually do get bacon inside it not a couple of rashers of man made placky pretendy bacon that you get in that crap place with the Scottish surname. Also pie and mash and sausage and mash are the order of the day and at a reasonable £3.49 it's not bad for your main meal of the day. Also potato wegdes and chicken Fajita wraps are available if you've got wanker kids who won't eat anything that was invented before 1989. All kinds of coffee are on offer and it's half price before 11:30 am which makes this a great non rip off haven in the see you coming south of England. Friendly staff as well. Do go and don't be surprised if you enjoy Southampton in general, it's a good city.

BAKE AND BITE

15 EAST STREET

SOUTHAMPTON

SO 14 3HG

BRICK LANE BAGEL COMPANY

Of course I had to mention this place. If you live in London and you've never heard of this place then you're hanging around with the wrong crowd. Although Brick Lane is very trendy nowadays it still boasts the best fast food outlet in the world. This place is always full even at four o clock in the morning. It's full of concert goers, taxi drivers, late shift workers, pimps, murderers, wankers, nice people, nice homeless people, nasty homeless people, couples, arguing couples and every language but English being spoken. I've felt a bit apprehensive going in there on my own but it's added to the excitement and at the end of it you get a salt beef bagel smothered in mustard which has a pleasure on a par with taking amphetimine sulphate for the first time. There are other things on the menu and you do get a slice of Yiddish cuisine but really the salt beef bagels are where it's at. Go, northerners and tell me what you think.

BRICK LANE BAGEL COMPANY

BRICK LANE

BETHNAL GREEN

EAST LONDON

TOLLGATE TEASHOP

Right next to Bath just off the A46 and next to the M4 this is perhaps the most Alan Partridge-esque, twee, wanky places I've ever been in. I'm surprised it didn't say on the door 'NO WORKING CLASS PEOPLE'. But credit where credit's due it was very nice. It says on the flyer 'Enjoy a variety of good traditional food served in our cosy tearoom or victorian conservatory with panoramic views to the Welsh Hills'. Well for cosy read small and for conservatory read small as well. The food though is obviously made fresh (it's terrible that you have to say that these days, it implies quite rightly that most stuff has been frozen for three months) and the salad and veg comes from a local producer (probably some West country bod who goes on the countryside marches and votes UKIP and rings Dimbelby a lot on Radio 4). I had the cottage pie that was well cooked and the soup preceding that was of the usual home made high standard. Sorry couldn't think of many funnies fro this review.

TOLLGATE TEASHOP

OFF THE A46

NEAR JUNCTION 18 (M4)

BATH

Telephone (01225) 891585 (Ring up and pretend you're Kate Winslet you might just carry it off)