Lyrics to some of my songs

BUGGERED UP THE ARSE WHEN I WAS IN PRISON

(One of the classic live tracks, also a studio version can be found on the bootleg CD 'I'M NOT AVAILABLE IN THE SHOPS'. If you've never seen me live before and are on this site by accident and are reading the lyrics, it's ok I'm a stand up comedian not some sort of Geoffery Dahmer character.)

BUGGERED UP THE ARSE WHEN I WAS IN PRISON

Come home with me baby we could have sex in my front room

It hasn't got a carpet so watch your head on the cockroaches

I may have a baldy head and a retro seventies dancing style-ah

But my ex girlfriend ran a mile-ah when I fed her to my rotweill-ah

Oh Come back to mine we could do a sixty nine

Or maybe a sixty eight cos I'm a bit of a fat cunt

Or maybe a sixty seven I'll be the six while

You fall asleep in the shape of a Seven

Last week I did a Sixty Two I fucked a swan

Chorus

Because I was buggered up the arse when I was in prison

I was only reaching down for the bar of soap

I was a feeling like a pretty bad gig

When I got a jism load from mister Big

Being in prison in Durham is no fuckin joke

Oh come back to my house we could look through my collection of machine guns

I've only killed Seven people what the fuck they were nuns

And they shouldn't have been on the fuckin road

And if your make up brush goes missing in the morning That'll be Brian

He's probably not been fed yet he's a boa constrictor

Chorus

Cos I was buggered up the arse when  was in prison

(Pub singer style warblings)

Oh a cock in the mouth is quite rude

And I don't even like prison food

(More pub warblings)

I'M A PERVERT

(An early live number. The first long live track. It was very popular in the day, especially at student unions cos it had swearing in it. I don't do it now though, It all seems a bit silly. Never mind, It paid my rent for a couple of years cos people would scream for an encore after hearing this nonsense , there's no accounting for taste!)

Chorus

I'm a pervert, I'm a pervert, I'm a pervert yes I am

I like to coat my cock with freshly rolled up strips of mustard ham

Oh please just spank my bottom hard then rub me up with co-op lard

Lah-di-dah lah-di-dah lah-di-dah

Do you ever get an urge an emotional surge to do something just a little bit sick

Like pick up your dog lock him in the fridge an give the temperature dial some stick

Well I did that by christ I'm a twat and I left him there from dawn until dusky

And when I came back I couldn't believe it he was still alive

It's a fuckin good job he's a retriever

Chorus

I'm a pervert I'm a pervert I'm a pervert it's a jape

When I get my friends to rap me up in sticky gaffer tape

Round me genitals round me girth

Then pull it off for all their worth

Ahh ha ha ooh ha ha ha haa

Well dogs are very lucky cos they can lick there own genitals 

And you can have lots of fun and lots of frolics

(verse abandoned)

Well me mam's got saggy knockers she has to ware a special bra

Not a wonderbra no it's not quite that sort

Infact it's called a Sunderbra after Sunderland football club

No cups and very little support

(that last line used to depend on football results and what part of Tyne and Wear I was playing at the time)